🖋 my testimony
"Come and hear, all you who fear God,
and I will tell what He has done for my soul." ~ Psalm 66:16
dear friend,
I always found the concept of "testimonies" to be odd. In my experience, at Bible camps or otherwise, those who jump at the opportunity to share often speak more about themselves than God... and those that hesitatingly share often speak about their trials and end up crying. I usually refuse to share publicly~ not because I don't want to tell of God's goodness and faithfulness to me, but because I'm afraid I will end up in one of the two categories: focused on myself, or trauma-dumping. I will attempt to navigate the mystery of my salvation while dodging both allegations haha.
I grew up in a large family, with a true believing mother and an abusive father. (That's not relevant now, but it will be later). Because of my mother, I was baptized as an infant and encountered God's grace and forgiveness, receiving faith and the Holy Spirit. That is truly the best part of my faith walk, because I know that God first met me in my most helpless state. I did not reason my way into faith, nor did I earn it, nor did I have personal merit or great knowledge of Him; He simply came to me when I did not even know my own parents, buried my sin and resurrected my spirit with Christ. My baptism is where God saved me, and I am so thankful that I truly can proclaim "All my life, You have been faithful!"
During my childhood, I lived a double-life: at home, I was scared, stressed, and hurt at almost all times. Outside of the home, I was a happy-go-lucky little girl, extroverted and convinced that every stranger was just a friend I didn't know yet! The image people saw of my family~ a big, happy, solid Christian family~ was very different from the family at home. We were dysfunctional and emotionally shutdown. There was constant mental, emotional, and financial abuse from my father, and that caused so much stress and pain in our family. My sanctuary was my church. My love for church was founded at a very early age, because I knew that church was the only place that told me they loved me, that God loved me, and where I truly felt loved. My wonderful mother made sure that we were very involved at church, in Sunday School and extra programs like a "Boys and Girls for Jesus" and VBS. I can't stress this enough: I LOVED church. It was safe, it was comforting, and more importantly, the truth that Jesus was my Friend was consistently taught to me.
I have this very distinct early memory of crawling out of my bed late at night and finding my mama in her rocking chair (I was maybe 5 or 6). I crawled up on her lap and began to cry, telling her that I was "so sad all the time, and it never leaves". I remember her immediate response was "I know, and there's nothing I can do for you. I can't take it away or fix it. But do you know who can? Jesus can. If you pray to Him, He can help your sadness." I believed her, and that started a very fervent personal prayer life with God. I spent my childhood (and teenager years) begging, venting, praising, and crying to God. My hope was in Him, because He was the only help I had.
As my middle school years rolled around, I began to feel more skeptical. I knew I believed, but I wanted to know why. Why do we say Scripture is the Word of God? Why should we go to church? What actually is prayer? Is how salvation works even logical? Is God who He says He is? God was so gracious to me even then. I was sent to a worldview camp that wrestled with all of these big questions (which was funded by my church, another miracle of God) so that by the end of my high school years, I felt more certain of my faith. I am forever grateful for that camp.
Now at age 22, graduated from a Bible college, I can certainly say that all of this was only God, not anything I truly did. I've seen prayers answered and personal miracles happen. I now have a good foundation for my faith and a renewed love of Scripture. This isn't to say I have it all figured out~ I don't. I'm still crying out to God "Lord I believe! Help my unbelief!" I'm still figuring out how to live in repentance, how to find spiritual peace, how to consistently seek God, and more. But~ that's only the struggles of sanctification.
God met me at the beginning of my life and has been holding fast to me ever since. My salvation belongs to God! My sins are forgiven forever, and He is to be praised. Amen!
love, tabby.
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